Shifting Perspectives: Helping Kids Navigate Friendship

In elementary school, navigating through various stages of friendship can be a bit of a rollercoaster, with lots of really high-highs and really low-lows. They are still figuring out who their friends will be and, in some cases, even how to make friends. There are days they come home from school and report that they are upset because a friend was mean to them. I am not referring to just anyone at school, there will be mean people in every phase of their lives, but it hits a little different when someone they believe to have meaningful relationship with is unkind.  It’s hard to watch as they process the hurt, so we’ve been encouraging them to view the situation from various perspectives.

Sometimes as parents, we hear the story and think “that doesn’t sound like they were

making fun of you”, but we weren’t on the receiving end of the statement.  Just last week, the Easter bunny brought my 7-year old a smaller size Stanley cup. (Yes, I realize this is ridiculous, but the Easter bunny is a generous guy. 😂) She brought it to school the following day and one of her friends mentioned that her older sister had a Stanley and she was going to ask to borrow it.  On Tuesday, when the friend arrived to school with her sister’s cup in tow, she asked my daughter why she didn’t have one of those rubber covers for her straw. When this was relayed to me as being made fun of, I casually said that it didn’t sound like "being made fun of" to me.  My daughter was upset that I came to this conclusion when I wasn’t there to hear how it was said to her.

AND SHE WAS RIGHT!  I skipped right over validating her feelings and told her how I saw it. So I apologized and asked her how SHE felt about not having the straw cover.  She admitted that she was sad she didn’t have one, but also knew that one had been ordered for her and her straw would soon have proper coverage. Sometimes our perception of “intent” is clouded by our own feelings about the statement that is made.  She wanted a rubber cap for her straw, so no matter what tone this question was asked in, she was bound to be offended.  This phenomenon isn’t exclusive to kids, I’m sure we can all come up with a few examples of this in our adult lives too. 

Of course, sometimes it’s not just about how the receiver feels about what is said.  It took me until I was in my late twenties or early thirties to realize that when people are mean to us, it very rarely has anything to do with us. Sometimes jealousy or our own insecurities or frustrations lead us to behave in a certain way.  Her friend could have been a little jealous that she didn’t have her own highly overrated cup and felt a little better in pointing out how Ryleigh’s cup was lacking.  Our friends could have something going on at home, that we aren’t aware of, and all of their energy is being spent processing that, making them short with us or not want to play or interact.  By fostering empathy, children can look beyond the surface and consider various reasons for behavior, rather than internalizing it. 

By changing the way they perceive mean behavior, we are empowering them to also control how they react to it.  When we encourage kids to view hurtful words or actions as a reflection of the other person’s struggles and not a critique of their own self-worth, they can react with kindness and empathy. They can also use these tools to deepen self-awareness about how they treat their favorite people. It’s important for kids to be able to put themselves in other’s shoes and consider how their words or actions can impact someone else’s feelings. It’s ok to pause playtime and take a moment to consider why we are getting testy with our friends.

As parents, we want our kids to choose kindness and cultivate meaningful friendships, but we also know that some friendships won’t withstand the test of time.  We should encourage our kids to set boundaries and communicate that theirs have been crossed.  Friendship should be a two-way street, not one friend filling the other’s cup until their own is left empty.  When these stories come home, it might seem like it’s easier to say the other child is mean and move on, but they are in school with some of these kids for 12+ years, why not help them navigate through friendships and process their big feelings?